Sermon
First United Methodist Church
Decorah, Iowa
Rev C A Kress
March 25, 2007
THE THINGS THAT MATTER Scripture Reading - New Revised Standard Version
New Testament - Colossians 1:19-23
I’m happy to continue with my little sermon series which is based on a book entitled THE FOUR THINGS THAT MATTER MOST, by Ira Byock, MD a physician who is involved with palliative care for the terminally ill.
My motivation for this series of sermons is quite personal, circling around my brother’s diagnosis of terminal, small-cell lung cancer. At this time he is doing very well and thanks everyone for your concern.
You are invited to come along on my journey through Byock’s FOUR THINGS THAT MATTER MOST. In this book I found four simple things which loved ones need to communicate to each other to find peace and harmony in those relationships at any stage of life. Our relationships are important treasures, after all.
So, here’s a little quiz. Can you recall the words which Dr. Byock believes we need to say to the people who matter most, and hear them say to us as well?
Thank You
Please forgive me
Has it been helpful?
It may seem to you that we already know these things. It seems that way to me. But, knowing something is one thing, and doing it is a whole different thing. And, while I do a good job of saying “thank you” to the person who loads my groceries in the car at Fareway, it’s easy to forget to say those exact same words to my Mom and Dad when they show up in Decorah for worship services. And it’s the same way with those old words which say, “I forgive you.” If I dare forgive my brother for not buying me a Christmas present, then I won’t have anything to hang over his head when my birthday comes along next fall. And, why would I want to forgive him without assuring that he squirms before he gets it?
Isn’t that the tip of the ice berg when it comes to understanding the complex triangle of relationships which Jesus describes to us in the parable of the Prodigal Son? We have the son who squandered his inheritance in a foreign land. He wasted everything. He was reduced to hiring himself out as a pig herder. Scripture says that he came to himself and went home. He knelt before his father and said, “I have sinned before God and before you. I don’t deserve to be called your son. Treat me as one of your servants.”
But the Father had forgiven him long before he gave that little speech.
The question which hangs over the story focuses on the relationship between the two brothers. The brother who stayed home has a very different out-look on the case of the repentant prodigal. This good Son had been wronged and betrayed and hurt just as much as his father had. The father may have forgiven the prodigal, but will his brother follow suit?
Now, Dr. Byock proposes that the time has come for ME to forgive MY brother. “Anger, blame, guilt, regret, jealousy cause pain that divides people who love each other. The words Please forgive me and I forgive you can be the bridge that re-connects us and allows healing.”
I’ve avoided telling stories which Dr. Byock uses as examples of his thesis, but I want to tell two stories today because I recognize that some in this world belong to families that carry deep hurt. Forgiveness can be tough.
He tells the story of a woman named Jennifer and the final days she spent with her mother.
Jennifer’s mother was a hard woman. She was very critical and cruel to her children. Jennifer had always longed to hear her mother say, “Please forgive me.” But her mother never said it.
When Jennifer’s mother was 58 years old she was diagnosed with cancer that had spread to her brain. Among other things her mother was going to lose her motor skills and her ability to speak. Well one day Jennifer went to visit her mother. She found her mother at the sewing machine. She was making a little dress for the child of her god-daughter and she was trying to put a bow on it, but she just didn’t have the fine motor skills to get it on correctly. So, Jennifer sat down beside her mother and started helping her get the ribbon and bow attached correctly. And in the moment, she said to her Mother.
“Mom, do you want me here? Are you happy that I come to check on you?”
Her mother raised her eyes to her daughters face. It was very hard to talk at this stage of her illness, but she started in. She said, “I know it’s been hard between us. We’ve spent so many bad days that I don’t think we know how we stand with each other. There were mistakes. I know I am the way I am because of the way your grandmother was with me.”
Then her mother pointed a finger toward Jennifer’s 18 month old son who was playing with blocks on the floor. And she said, “It’s going to stop with him. The bad stuff can stop, but the good stuff can be passed on. That’s what I want us to do.”
Then her mother rose and put her arms around Jennifer saying, “You are the artist of my life. I am so proud of you.”
Jennifer held her close and thanked her. Then she took the satin dress out of her mother’s hands and for the next five hours they worked together to finish it.
When her mother died six weeks later Jennifer said, Some people might thing that the words we shared s mother and daughter that day were too little and too late. But family life is messy, filled with loose ends. And few mothers and daughters have the chance to gather them up and tie them into a bow.” (pages 54-56 - paraphrased)
Forgiveness is a way of saying “Enough is enough.” It requires seeing the past exactly as it was and letting it go. And I would suggest to you that not only was Jennifer’s mother asking for her forgiveness, but Jennifer’s mother at the same time, was forgiving her own mother.”
Forgiveness is not dismissing the hurt, shrugging it off and saying, “Aw, that’s ok when it isn’t ok at all. Forgiveness takes the offense seriously and puts it in its place.
Forgiveness is not condoning. You don’t have to excuse the bad or hurtful thing done to you. And you should not remain in a situation where bad and hurtful things dominate it.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is always a decision. It’s a decision not to seek revenge or hold onto a grudge.
Sometimes it helps to tell yourself to tell yourself why you are deciding to forgive. Say, “I will forgive this terrible thing because I need inner healing, I’m stuck, and it’s time to get on with life.” The first person who benefits from forgiveness is the person who does the forgiving.
One of the best ways of making forgiveness reality is to pray for the welfare of the person who caused you to suffer. That’s not easy but it aids in healing.
Forgiveness really is a gift. It’s God’s gift to each of us and then it’s a gift we can share.
Learning to forgive is a lifetime process. But it helps to remember that we are being forgiven every day of our lives. Forgiveness, as Barbara Brown Taylor has said, “is God’s cure for the deformity our resentments cause us. It is how we discover our true shape, and every time we do it we get to be a little more alive.” (Gospel Medicine, 1995).
Forgiveness is hard, but it’s not impossible. People who have learned to forgive are usually people who realize how forgiven they are. They can love because they have been loved.” (Kenneth Gibble – Alive Now, M/A, 2003)
Let us pray.
First United Methodist Church 302 W. Broadway
Decorah, IA 52101
